In the beginning…there was God’s kid. This kid (also known as The Risen Lord, Holy Redeemer or JC and the Brimstone Band), is the most popular deity on the planet currently. He pops up in toast, water stains and even in birth marks. His ability to take a beating is unrivaled and know all over the world in hundreds of languages, symbols and songs. Also common knowledge…he is pissed off! The object of his retribution this time is a simple mammal. One who has only been around for a while (first referenced in Georg Franck von Frankenau’s ‘De Ovis Paschalibus in 1682) and puts a fluffy edge to Jesus’ death/non death day. Also known as the giver of chocolates, Harvey and Monsieur Chocolate Poopoo, the Easter Bunny can’t be overlooked. Prepare for World War Smiley Face…its Jesus VS. The Easter Bunny.
No matter what the leaflets say, Jesus can’t write top ten country hits or turn banana bread into fire trucks or chop wood with his face. At the same time, the Easter Bunny doesn’t shit coloured eggs. At one point, the Easter Bunny did pass something that resembled an Easter egg, but his doctor reassured him that it was just his pancreas.
Hand to Hand Combat
Ever heard the expression “Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight”? Well in this case it’s “Don’t bring a bunny to a Jesus fight”. It is well known that Jesus’ hands are WMD’s, capable of pulling your heart out of your bum before you can say “Hey, is that Jesus behind me?” One story has it that Jesus is so fast with his hands that the Apostle Peter wouldn’t allow him near his wife. And the Easter Bunny, well…he doesn’t have hands. He has little bunny paws, and no matter how many swords you tape to them, they are just bunny paws with swords taped to them.
Jesus – Millions upon millions of dedicated followers who can’t agree on what he said.
Easter Bunny – Millions upon millions of followers who would rather think of a bunny on Easter than a zombie coming out from behind a rock.
In the end…there is only one true winner. Sure Jesus is the son of God, this is given. But, the fact that he is a caucasian from the Middle East makes it intrinsically confusing. With that said, the fact that the Easter Bunny is an anthropomorphic mammal who gives out chocolates makes this equally mystifying. When it comes down to it, the offspring of a God who can ascend to the heavens, walk on water and turn things into food but has no recollection or documentation of his adolescence makes him a bit hard to support. Whereas, you take a rabbit, nail a pink hat to its head and you have the Easter Bunny. On marks for sheer realism, the Easter Bunny wins hands down.
Winner: The Easter Bunny