Edmonton

A Hazingly Good Intro to Edmonton


With all this talk of U of A hazing (another awesome party that I missed!), I thought I would bring out this focus piece I did on introducing new students to Edmonton. No need for special masks…yet.

EVERYONE LOOK HERE!

Dear Students, welcome to the thriving metropolis of Edmonton! We welcome you with a firm handshake and an innocuous pat on the shoulder. Also known as Deadmonton, Stabmonton, Incred(ible)monton, and Mandel’s House of Pies, Edmonton is the perfect place for a fresh start with eyes set on the future. Now, out-of-towners often have a hard time finding their niche in our sprawling city, but never fear! I am here to offer you a handy map of hangout locations across town, genre-specific for easy self-segregation.

Hipsters

Too cool to be in Edmonton? Well, ride your cruiser down to Whyte Avenue and bask in the contemporary opulence of the Empress Ale House or the always-cozy Black Dog Pub. These two sister pisseries complement the city’s youthful exuberance as the flagship cool-kids’ clubs, and at the same time, set an example for the rest of the city as how to get drunk without having to beat the shit out of each other. There you will see seasoned vets frown at the newly arrived keener pets, play darts with the hottest most aggressive women on the planet, and listen to actually good music as you lose control of your lower extremities.

Geeks

Into the sciences? I recommend heading to Bioware headquarters on Calgary Trail. Bring your swords, homemade chainmail, a Mark Meer costume and a tauntaun to sleep in. When you get to the door, the secret code question is “What is the atomic weight of baloneyum?” Answer: “Yummy!” Welcome to Mecca North, my nerdy friends!

Policy Wonks

More into politics and the state of our government, you say? Well, if you’re a Liberal, you are safest in a dark basement trying to regain power through well thought-out blogs and Pizza Pops. If you’re a New Democrat, head on down to Old Strathcona with your “I just Jaffered in my pants” T-shirt for a series of well-deserved high-fives. If you’re a skeptic, there is a gazebo that can house your theories near the funeral home on 104th Street and 83rd Avenue. (The gazebo has an adamantium-laced roof that deflects mind-reading tachyons from space.) And Conservatives, well, you can hang out wherever you want, actually. You are the overlords of the city. Heck, you could walk around naked brandishing your genitals — if anyone objects, just hand them your Conservative Party member card and they will slap you on the ass and send you on your way.

Hippies

For those flower children among us, first on your list should be a trip to the nearest camping equipment store. Buy a stove, a tent, a first aid kit, a sleeping bag and mat, and camping food. Meet up with “Captain Dude” on the corner of 99th Street and Whyte Avenue. Purchase his stock of “patchouli.” Hit the river valley. Exist. See you next summer.

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Categories: Edmonton

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