Free Monologue (An Actor’s Companion)

Blackout to a booming spotlight, actor has back to audience and is wearing pyjama bottoms and a tuxedo jacket. A beat, then they turn conescendigly clapping towards the audience.

*Each line of first paragraph is to be delivered with a different accent to be decided upon by actor.

I remember when I was like you. A looker, someone who looked…watched. I remember what it was like. Well, then look! Look the crap out of me! I can take it as you see, last night I dreamed I was a planet with a cape!

Large growling robot sound (to be interpreted by actor) followed by a calm.

See what I did there? Better yet, did you FEEL what I did there? That feeling was  magic, a magic my parents say I was born with. My parents…they aren’t with us anymore. They haven’t been for a while…ever since the accident.


After the accident they moved to Pinoka. There is a doctor there who owns a restaurant which serves a really good salad soup. I have an inherent mistrust of salad soup. But my mother won’t shut up about it’s nutritional content, and my dad…oh sweet coddling father. He chipped his tooth on a wood splitter. After that he spends most of his time in his makeshift tent/shed complaining about the Hartford Whalers. 

Actor then drops to the floor and mimes an arm wrestle against themselves in which they take the loss poorly. They then look to the sky.

I am awash with travesty. I am entrenched with malfaceance. I am colonized by honey badgers. I…am…

Actor then falls asleep.

Lights down. Theatre explodes.

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