“I make jokes. I’m looking to offend your delicate sensibilities and marry a wealthy dowager. Body: Toronto. Heart: Edmonton.”
Jon is a funny guy. Now that we got that out of the way, we can move on.
Other things I know about Jon and things that I may have dreamt (also about Jon):
1. He loves animals in a very weird way (but not the illegal kind of weird).
2. He prefers to say Agricultures over Agriculture.
3. He likes to be told when he does a good job.
4. He doesn’t care if his fly is open.
5. He has got that ‘straight shooter’ style of handshake that takes everyone years to perfect but comes naturally to him.
6. He tweets hard and fast: “Gonna write a book on Hillbilly bondage that is 150 pages saying “just tie em’ up, dummy!”
7. He is actually 8 feet tall but slouches so the rest of humanity won’t be intimidated by his size.
8. He has had all his major organs replaced with orbs of miraculous light (possible dream).
9. Like all of us he just wants to be loved.
10. He is very thoughtful.
I would like to focus on number ten.If there is one through line for what Jon does, it is being thoughtful. His perception of his life (and the ones going on around him) is interesting. He thinks things through. Excessively. For example: He doesn’t just talk about his pets. He talks about talking about his pets. He talks about talking about his pets as if they were listening to him talk about them. He talks about talking about his pets as if they were listening to him talk to them and has gives them funny accents and makes them viciously swear in adorable ways. NOW, I’m not sure if Jon has ever done this but, it is a good example of how I think he thinks. I may be wrong. This may all be a dream.
Three cheers for the dying breed of thoughtful men. May they live forever and never grow old.
JON ANSWERS MY QUESTIONS:
If you would give yourself a nickname what would it be?
I am one of 11 people in the world who successfully gave themselves their own nickname. It’s Junglecat, because I am nimble.
If you could switch one body part with anyone else in the world living or dead, who and what would it be?
Christa Hendricks’ Hips.
In five words, describe your most uncomfortable dream.
Queen Elizabeth Threesome With Charles
What is your favourite word?
What does that word smell like?
What is your spirit animal?
Phillip Seymour Hoffman
If ghosts existed, would you want to meet one? If so, what would you ask it?
Yes, but only Patrick Swayze and I’d ask him to make pottery with me.
If you could share a bottle of alcohol with anyone who has ever existed, who would it be and what would you drink?
Winston Churchill, Beefeaters Gin, Neat
What would you rather have as a pet: A dragon, a unicorn Pegasus or Ezra Levant?
Ezea Levant and you would have to call the humane society on me. I would only let him eat his own shit.
Finally, if you could live your life over again with guaranteed success, what would you do?
I would wanna do the exact same thing except I would be better at ice skating.