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Killing ‘Killing It’


angel1

I understand that you guys get excited about stuff, I really do. I have seen enough pictures of you being excited about stuff to make the things that I get excited about look like someone blowing their nose in their hair. There is one thing I find disturbing and confusing though — a phrase to be exact. The phrase is ‘killing it’.

This phrase, or adjective verb clause or whatever the crap, is a bit baffling. What exactly is this thing that you so gregariously adore ‘killing’? Why is this attempt positive? Does everyone see death as such a great thing? Here are a few examples of what I mean.

Countless bands

A person says that Band X is ‘killing it’ and the next night ‘Band Y’ is also killing it. This is very confusing. Did Band X not end up killing it only to have Band Y kill it the next night? Did Band X bring it to the point of its ending, only to resuscitate it so Band Y could take its turn? Sounds a bit masochistic to me. I wouldn’t like either bands because a) It is cruel to do such a thing and b) Neither of them could finish the job and thusly are poor at killing anything (see Band C through Z and so on).

Clothing

Annie (We’ll use that name because it is easy to type and I’m super fucking lazy) is wearing a new dress and is ‘killing it’ in said dress. Now, when Annie is ‘killing it’ in the dress, is there anything else that she kills in? I mean, does the dress make Annie swim in sociopathic waters only to leave a wake of death and intestines behind her? Does her killing dress give her killing powers? Or is it a work dress? Does she kill for work? I just wouldn’t wear the dress. That’s the type of guy I am. “Here is the dress,” Annie would say to me and I’d say, “No thanks Annie! Take your hateful dress away from me! I’m going to wear my OWN dress today and not ‘kill it’ at all.”
Why would you kill in a dress anyway? Seems more like a cover-alls type of thing for me. Or nude. Killing in the nude can be very satisfying.

Food

“This plate of Mediterranean quinoa salad with summer vegetables and parsley sneezes is just ‘killing it’!”
Nope, it can’t. That is a physical impossibility. All that stuff you mentioned is already dead. Its life has come to an end so that you can put it in your face hole. It cannot do anything but be dead. In fact, some other, probably better (like pizza, fuck I love pizza), plate of food must have already ‘killed it’ because the ‘it’ in this example is dead and has been bettered by some zombie meal prior to this one. Mostly likely a zombie pizza, which in my opinion, would be the best way to die.

Use your words

Here is a list of things I don’t actually believe but are examples of a more loquacious verbiage when it comes to verbally fellating what experience/thing you want other people to be jealous about.

1) “Mumford and Sons ‘killed it’!”

or
“Mumford and Sons’ music is like listening to several thousand excited angels gleefully open a million Christmases worth of presents in my ears. Their live show makes me want to get a sex change just so that I can have their babies. I’m a guy, so I’d need to have a place for these awesome babies to gestate, thus the sex change.”

2) “Annie is ‘killing it’ in her new dress!”

or

“Annie is transcending levels of beauty in her new dress. She’s a magnificent glory ball of opulence and grace. Her new dress, while still beautiful, is nothing compared to the natural pulchritude that she exudes from the exquisite visage that is her. With that said, the dress fits well and was probably a good deal because Annie is such a savvy shopper.”

3) “This plate of WHATEVER is ‘killing it’!”

or

“This food is exactly what my body needs. It is nutritious and carefully cooked. Its aroma is subtle yet exciting. Its portion size has just the proper amount of calories for my body to metabolize, because tonight I’m stealing Annie’s murder dress and I’m going on a rampage. I’m going to the Mumford and Sons concert and I am going to kill everyone there thus ending the concert and therefore killing it.”

I don’t want anyone to really die, I was just trying to use it as a ‘tie it all together’ example.

Any questions about what I said can be sent to my frigging lawyer or whatever.

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