Three months ago I took a chance. I answered a job posting and tried something very new to my professional life. So new in fact that it scared the crap out of me. At the start, every day was a battle between not wanting to screw up and trying to feel comfortable asking the questions that would allow me to learn. And at the same time, live up to the reasons I was hired. My creativity, my independence, my self-motivation and how capable I was. I wanted to succeed at this new thing, this new job. I wanted it more than anything I have wanted in a long time. On top of all this I had a part time job at MEC, was involved in two Fringe shows and had various other commitments that I had taken on before I got the job. Needless to say, the new thing didn’t get the attention it deserved. It was mostly a mind game for me. I put in my hours and tried my hardest. Then I went about doing other obligations for 15 or more hours per day. Some of you know what I’m talking about. But, ostensibly, I got in the way of myself. I tried to do too many things at once. Run before learning to walk…I thought I was flying but I was falling.
In trying something different I realized many things about myself. I have limitations. I need sleep. I need to eat regularly. I have to learn to say no and to only commit to the things that don’t affect the important things in my life. My girlfriend, for example, has seen me twice in the last month (and one of those days was full of jamming an epi-pen in her hip and hanging at the hospital). There are things that I want now that I haven’t ever wanted before. And even though I did not succeed at least I attempted and this attempt was a door that swung open to so many possibilities. On top of this, those ‘wants’ are not gone. In fact, I want them more than I did when they were accessible. Now, trying harder and learning from my mistakes seem to be the important thing. I just have to find the place where I can apply this knowledge. I am driven. I would love to replicate what I just had, but with a better outcome and with better choices along the way.
I didn’t realize the satisfaction I would get from working with a team to help someone’s business flourish. How simple and sometimes small pieces can play an integral part in the bigger picture. How learning can be satisfying even if there isn’t a philosophical or artistic angle to it. I fell in love with this new thing. I had trouble sleeping at nights going over and over what I needed to do and how possibly I could to it better. I wanted to learn more.
But then reality snuck in and threw everything into the wind. Change is very tough. Sudden change is harder. But change is inevitable whenever it happens and it’s all about how you deal with it. Yeah, I am pretty down, but someone who loves me showed me that all things can be positive. And I am choosing this way rather than the ‘I’m going to my room to listen to Morrissey’ way.
In the end, I was pretty sure I had a grasp on it all. I simplified my focus and felt like I was learning as well as applying said learning with increasing efficiency. It all seemed to click. But I was drawn too thin. If I could go back, I would have focused solely on it. But, my previous life as a freelancer taught me survival is dependent upon following through with commitments. So it goes.
I’m sad to move on, but business is business. The people I met and that helped me along the way are exceptionally awesome. It was a brief glimpse into what an exciting work environment should be like. I just wish I had a bit more time but such is the bane of someone who wants it all and wants it now.