“Clinton Carew was born in Lethbridge, Alberta, where he resided for 11 months. It was during this time that he developed his proclivity for claiming to have been born in South Alberta and an ability to sleep when it is windy outside. This period in Lethbridge’s history, known as mid-73, was marked by a subtle, but not unsubstantial, increase in the number of me that lived there. That period was not to last forever. What happened the day that I left town remains, to me, a vague and uncomfortable memory. To Lethbridge, it was the end of an era.”
Here are a few things that Clinton and I have in common:
We both lived in the Arlington when it burned.
We have both been sprayed by bear spray (one on purpose, one not).
We applied for a grant together way back in the day (I still think it’s an awesome idea that we came up with).
We both enjoy a good debate.
We both have some pretty awesome ladies in our lives.
Our religious beliefs are ironically called such.
We both had a dream where we were harvesting wizards’ stomaches because Jethro Tull told us that it was where they kept their magic. Then we watched a platypus ordain Van Gogh’s severed ear on the deck of a world class dirigible (still getting confirmation on this one from Clinton but I’m %95 sure he had this dream too).
We are both allergic to bullets.
If you would give yourself a nickname what would it be?
If I could give myself a nickname, it would be terrible. People always give themselves the worst nicknames.
I used to wish that I had a nickname, but nothing ever really stuck. My early attempts and selfalternonomenclature involved mostly taking girls’ names and trying to masculinize them via misspelling. That was slightly less successful than you might imagine.
If you could switch one body part with anyone else in the world living or dead, who and what would it be?
Arms, and Usain Bolt. But only if it could happen during a race, because that would be hilarious. Although I would need to buy new shirts, so it’s not all good.
In five words, describe your most uncomfortable dream.
Teeth, earth, plans, all shattered.
What is your favourite word?
I used to really like defenestrate, but that wasn’t very practical. I’d have to say, egregious, which, originally, meant shockingly good, but now means outstandingly bad.
What does that word smell like?
Outstandingly bad, with traces of shockingly good.
What is your spirit animal?
I wish it was a moose or a buffalo or something. It’s probably a ferret.
If ghosts existed, would you want to meet one? If so, what would you ask it?
Sure! I would ask it if I looked really heavily saturated in colour.
If you could share a bottle of alcohol with anyone who has ever existed, who would it be and what would you drink?
I’m going to assume that by share a bottle of alcohol, you include the evening of socializing that should go with such an event. If not, Captain Thomas Carew can steal his own damn absynthe.
If so, Captain Thomas Carew and absynthe. Because I’m suspicious that he may be a pirate who stole that name, and I’d like to see if absynthe might loosen his tongue.
What would you rather have as a pet: A dragon, a unicorn Pegasus or Ezra Levant?
Ezra Levant would make a terrible pet. Like an unhappy, pasty, yappy lapdog. A dragon would be much better.
There is no such thing as a unicorn pegasus.
Finally, if you could live your life over again with guaranteed success, what would you do?
I’m doing that right now. I’ll let you know how it goes.