Humour

The Mom-Line


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Originally posted in the Sherwood Park News.

Sometimes, men get a bad rap. We aren’t emotional enough, or we are too aggressive, or we think that The Bachelorette is the post-modern equivalent to the guillotine, you know, basic stuff. One thing that we do deserve is being made fun of for how whiny we are even when we are a little sick. Ladies, you’ve all heard it. The banshee whail of “Honeyyyyyyyyyy”, followed by two wispy coughs, the kind a puppy would make if it had no self-esteem.

Which led me to my next point, if someone wants to make a million dollars, don’t start another sex-phone-line, they should start a MomLine for men to whimper into when we are sick. The pitch would go a little something like this:

“If you are a man between the ages of five to 114, and are still alive, being sick isn’t easy. Tired of being forced to have what most women call a ‘reasonable response to pain’? Try the Mom-Line. For just $10 a minute (believe me, we would pay it). Call the Mom-Line and get your manly butt mommed by the coddlingest live moms.

“Mommies lay just a dial away with every type of mom imaginable. With our wide selection of moms, you’re sure to find that perfect mommy session. Our best moms, mothers, and even those gender-bending stay-at-home dads, are just fingertips away! All under one roof! Finally, a phone-mom specifically designed and geared to your exaggerated ailments!

“We’ve got kind moms, stern moms, 10th century Viking moms, ghost moms and even robot moms who, through the discerning cold voice of technology, will never, ever, ask you to suck it up and get your sorry butt to work!

“If you would like one of our talented phone agents to simulate your real mom, just give us a reasonable example of what she sounds like telling you that you are her little angel, and we’ll do the rest! Want your mom to have a Scottish accent? We don’t either!

“Got a sore throat? We’ll treat you like you’ve got poisonous spiders living in your neck. Mild cold? More like, mild-cholera. Did you get indigestion from eating five pounds of hot wings right before you went to sleep? You better get your hero-soldier self to bed because our moms will treat you like you’ve got something that not even an army of demon-weathered exorcists made out of bibles can handle!

“If you call now, we will throw our new book, “How Fantasy Football is absolutely nothing like Dungeons and Dragons at all”, absolutely free!”

Or something like that.

With that said, if anyone takes this awesome idea and makes it a reality, I want half of the profits. Either that, or a 10th century Viking mom. Whichever science allows first.

trent.wilkie@sunmedia.ca

twitter.com/thetrentwilkie

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