There are situations in life where words don’t seem to work. These situations are just plain indescribable and baffling. Language, specifically the English language, just doesn’t seem to do them justice. I am here to remedy that.
Crundleport – adjective: The feeling you have in your heart when your dog has just done several disgusting things to itself and a stuffed animal but looks up at you with those loving eyes that would melt a planet made out of icebergs.
“I almost lost my lunch when I saw what Mr. Boobers was doing, but I got all crundleport inside when he crawled up on my lap and fell asleep. And then I burned my clothes.”
Crappenstance – noun: The moment you realize, out of all the options you are facing in your life none of them have anything to do with eating a a vat of chocolate ice cream while watching Golden Girls re-runs.
“I cry a lot because of this crappenstance.”
Piloquat – noun: A unit of measurement quantifying how bored a person is.
“Between listening to teenagers talk about music and being stared at by a baby, this bus ride comes in at about 150 piloquats.”
Spang – verb: To hit your funny bone and sneeze at the same time.
“After my most recent spanging, I’m starting to wonder if I’m allergic to hurting my humerus.”
Moisterling – noun: When a child’s nightmares are not just a figment of their imagination; a reality based boogey-man.
“I thought little Jeffy was making up what he called ‘aliens invading his mind with transmissions while he slept’. That was until we found the moisterling. It was a wasp nest in the tree outside his bedroom window.”
Schmoo – noun: A person who is constantly jumping from fad to fad to the point where they are a constant transitional fashion mess.
“Mullet, bell bottoms, Ed Hardy cap, Tap-Out t-shirt, charm bracelet, nose stud, lip ring, flesh tunnels, tamagochi necklace, aviator glasses and Doc Marten boots. Dude is a schmoo. Dude is a total schmoo.”
Whintle – verb: To create something out of sheer necessity.
“I whintled that column. Don’t tell my boss.”