Deleted Scenes – Duck Dynasty


dd-beardsSeveral years ago Samara Von Rad and I put on a fundraiser for our lovely friend Christian Zyp. It was a series of ‘deleted scenes’ from well-known television shows that we wrote in a very satirical fashion. I just found this one in my draft pile. I was never used. I now set it free unto the eyes of the universe. Godspeed, you silly thing.

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Deleted Scenes – Duck Dynasty

Si sits amidst a corn row maze. He has found himself at a crossroads. He is frustrated, surly, vexed.

Si

(yelling at the stars)

Is this what you have forsaken me for!

Stars

No (they whisper). No, Tis not you. Behold…

The stars all shudder and blur.

Si

He is crying very hard

There…is…no…god…

Jase enters. He is very proud of his rope belt and cannot stop playing with it.

Jase

Ha….lookee…keeps my pants up….keeps ‘em legal…Si…why you crying?

Si

Call the family.

Jase

Whut?

Si

Call the family idiot!

Jase is stupefied. He blinks close to forty times and says nothing.

Phil and Willie enter.

Phil

(to Willie)

You should have seen the dick on this thing. Like a ball of snakes made out of dicks.

Willie

Whoa.

SI

Idiots. Come to me.

They all walk dumbfounded towards him. Except for Jase. He is caught in a blink seizure.

Si

We were wrong. There is no God.

Phil

But…but…you said there was.

Si

I was wrong.

Willie

What are we going to do?

Si, Phil, and Willie all look at each other confusedly for several minutes.

The Stars then brighten and whisper

Stars

You guys should kiss.

The three men hold each other in a tender embrace and kiss passionately. The sound of teeth hitting other teeth can be heard.

Also, the sound of Jase blinking can be heard. Until he dies of stupidity

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Thank you for reading. If you like this or any other of the stories on this website, why not support Trent by buying him a coffee?

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Published by: thetrentwilkie

Trent Wilkie is a husband/father/writer/journalist/performer in Edmonton. Trent has written for CBC Radio, Fangoria Magazine, Edmonton Sun, Exclaim Magazine, Fort Sask Record, Theatre Network, The Edmonton Fringe, and is currently pouring his heart and soul into his award-winning blog The UnDad. As well, Trent has also been a wilderness canoe guide for over 10 years which he now considers therapy. Trent is also a member of Mostly Water Theatre, a sketch comedy troupe and has performed in a bevy of Edmonton International Fringe Festivals to varying degrees of success. When taking time off from trying not to be boring, Trent likes to relax while watching horror movies and trying to write the perfect three chord song

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