Several years ago Samara Von Rad and I put on a fundraiser for our lovely friend Christian Zyp. It was a series of ‘deleted scenes’ from well-known television shows that we wrote in a very satirical fashion. I just found this one in my draft pile. I was never used. I now set it free unto the eyes of the universe. Godspeed, you silly thing.
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Deleted Scenes – Duck Dynasty
Si sits amidst a corn row maze. He has found himself at a crossroads. He is frustrated, surly, vexed.
Si
(yelling at the stars)
Is this what you have forsaken me for!
Stars
No (they whisper). No, Tis not you. Behold…
The stars all shudder and blur.
Si
He is crying very hard
There…is…no…god…
Jase enters. He is very proud of his rope belt and cannot stop playing with it.
Jase
Ha….lookee…keeps my pants up….keeps ‘em legal…Si…why you crying?
Si
Call the family.
Jase
Whut?
Si
Call the family idiot!
Jase is stupefied. He blinks close to forty times and says nothing.
Phil and Willie enter.
Phil
(to Willie)
You should have seen the dick on this thing. Like a ball of snakes made out of dicks.
Willie
Whoa.
SI
Idiots. Come to me.
They all walk dumbfounded towards him. Except for Jase. He is caught in a blink seizure.
Si
We were wrong. There is no God.
Phil
But…but…you said there was.
Si
I was wrong.
Willie
What are we going to do?
Si, Phil, and Willie all look at each other confusedly for several minutes.
The Stars then brighten and whisper
Stars
You guys should kiss.
The three men hold each other in a tender embrace and kiss passionately. The sound of teeth hitting other teeth can be heard.
Also, the sound of Jase blinking can be heard. Until he dies of stupidity
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