I’ve been friends with Saylish for a long time and because of this she likes to pick on me. Most of the time I deserve it.
This one time, I was visiting Saylish’s place of work (She co-owns the wonderful Next Act Pub), and she was doing her normal rounds. She usually welcomes me with a very agressive hello, or she just hits me hard somewhere on my person, but this time she did not. So, I just went about my normal imbibing and thought nothing of it. After my second beer I felt a pressure in my bladder which usually means I have to pee. So I got up to go pee, as any normal human being would do when they have to pee.
I have this habit of checking my texts and whatnot whilst urinating. You have a free hand after all and I consider those thirty to forty seconds of peeing my personal quality time. So, while I was at the urinal I was checking my texts that were probably from some crazy chick that I’m in love with. As I was doing this, I heard the door to the bathroom open, which is normal because that is what doors do when you push or pull on them. For those who have never been, the urinal in the Act is directly beside the toilet stall, and lo and behold, as I was in mid stream/text read, a hand flashes out from under the stall wall and grabs my leg. Then came a bellow that would make Grendel whimper, “Hey! Are you on your phone? HEY! On your phone while you pee hey!” I screamed very loudly. It figuratively scared the piss out of me.
Turns out the dainty hand that grabbed me was Saylish. She then came out of the stall and yelled at me some more while I peed. Then she laughed her way out of the men’s room and into my heart forever.
As I exited the washroom somewhat shaken, she screamed to me from across the bar, “He did you wash your hands you sicko? I bet you didn’t!”.
For the record, I did.
If you would give yourself a nickname what would it be?
SMOOSH. This is new..some dickhead* called me that recently and I think I like it. I’ve had lots in my time but this is a good one. And even though I didn’t specifically come up with it, I can give it to myself if I want to. No one can stop me.
If you could switch one body part with anyone else in the world living or dead, who and what would it be?
I want the voice of someone (anyone really) who can sing…a new voice…that’s a body part right? Bet you thought I was going to say Kim Kardashian’s ass or something ridiculous didn’t you?
In five words, describe your most uncomfortable dream.
Crashing my new car repeatedly.
What is your favourite word?
It’s a tie…”Luggage” and “Noodles”.
What does that word smell like?
Leather and noodles of course.
What is your spirit animal?
Elephant. Did you know they never forget?
If ghosts existed, would you want to meet one? If so, what would you ask it?
Of course they exist, and of course I’d want to meet one. And I’d ask them if it’s like Candy Mountain out there, because that’s what I imagine it to be like.
If you could share a bottle of alcohol with anyone who has ever existed, who would it be and what would you drink?
Hmmm I think it would be Kate Middleton and we’d “Suck down peppermint schnapps and try to call Morocco at two in the morning” – Thats from ‘American Movie’. Have you seen it? Anyway these are just a few reasons. a) I think she’d really like me b) I think once she really got into the sauce she’d tell you me everything I’d want to know about the royal fam dam c) I think I could use a few Duchess Fashion tips d) I love how her and Wills are changing all the royal rules but doing it with grace and good intention. Aaannnnndddd maybe she could even hook me up with Prince Harry. I kinda dig that ginger.
PS – I’d also like to tell you who it wouldn’t be with. Rosie Pope. I wouldn’t share anything with her. She’s unbearable.
What would you rather have as a pet: A dragon, a unicorn Pegasus or Ezra Levant?
Ezra Levant?? Who the hell wants him??? I want a dragon. A wicked, awesome, non fire breathing dragon…(unless I was cold, then he can be a fire breathing dragon).
Finally, if you could live your life over again with guaranteed success, what would you do?
Be a better person.
*I am said dickhead.