What if famous literary characters moved to Edmonton?

Quasimodo, The Hunchback of Notre Dame by Victor Hugo

Dec. 4, 2012

I’ve found a lovely little hollow under what the locals call the “High Level Bridge.” It’s nothing like my belltower but I thought, hell, I already look like a troll, why not follow through with the prejudice?
While chasing pigeons around Ezio Farone Park, I ran into a young lady. After helping her to her feet and calming her screams, I assured her of my harmlessness. She assured me that she would rather continue to scream. Being a modern fellow, I allowed her her breadth or expression. After she was done screaming, I asked her if she would like to join me for a flagon of mead at the local public house. She said ‘sorta’. Well, at least that’s what I think she said because she started screaming again. It must be because my face is so unique. Yeah…unique…sounds way better than hideous.
I’ve tried to find work in the surrounding churches but it seems they long ago traded in their bells for recordings of bells. One vicar suggested I try to find work at the circus, to which I suggested he go screw himself. I’ve been around the religious community enough to know when I’m being mocked. Plus, there isn’t a circus in this berg. I guess I could start one. Note to self: start a circus.
As it turns out, the young girl from the park stood me up. That’s okay; I’m used to the ladies not digging my style. I remember the days when a wart covering half your face was a sign of potency and privilege! Wait … nope. That was a dream. That explains why I was riding a dragon. Oh man! That makes everything much clearer now.

Kilgore Trout, Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut

Dec. 4, 2012

After faking my death on Oct. 15, 2004, I retired to the arctic abyss known as northern Canada. Hurm, I don’t know why … I guess very far is far away enough. All I can think of right now is a glass of water but it seems all the water here is frozen. Although it seems to always be the middle of the winter here, this does not stop the characters from coming out to play. Who was that man chasing birds in the park and why did he have such a clearly visible erection? So it goes.
All this nothing reminds me of something … something I either wrote or intended to. It was about a group of people who had everything. They had so much everything that it seemed like nothing and they confused happiness for boredom. In their bored trance they created little problems in order to entertain themselves. When these little problems actually turned into big problems, they didn’t know how to deal with them because having everything for so long dulled their problem-solving skills. They ended up eating each other or just lying down in the streets to die … I think that story appeared as filler in Boobies Boobies Boobies, Vol. 12.
I just realized after writing that line that I need to fire my editor. How is anyone supposed to know what I was referencing if they have no idea who I am…what I’ve gone through…how life is no way to treat an animal…also, I can’t deliver papers in this town. The kids are tough to scare and most of them are armed. Maybe I’ll get a job at the zoo … They let you ride the animals on their days off, don’t they?

Tyler Durden, Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk

Dec. 4, 2012

This is my kind of city. Lots of staying inside and scheming. And the mall … oh, that mall.
First, I’ll get the seals drunk and let them loose. A drunken seal is a mean seal. A mean seal is a good distraction … it will also teach children about wild animals. You know the kind — the kid who thinks that animals are put on the earth for their entertainment. A full-grown seal can crush the skull of an otter in a single bite. Protect your children, parents of WEM; the seals have revolted!
Then, I’m going to head on over to the wave pool. You see, there isn’t actually a chemical that can detect urine in pool water, but, not everyone knows that. So, I’ll just bring several dye pellets and a bullhorn. “What is wrong with you people?” I’ll yell. “You are revelling in your own waste!” Then, of course, I’ll lead the drunken seals there.
Finally, the pirate ship. Where do you get some good pirates in Edmonton? The Atlantic Tap and Gill, of course. I’ll get those laddies so fill of alcohol and speed that they won’t know that the pirate ship we just boarded isn’t actually moving! Our first mission will be to attack the submarines, then repel security. With promises of both types of booty, me hearties from the ATG will be as fight as fierce as hungry seals drunk on power!
After liberating the pirate ship, the seals, and tying all deserters to the tracks of the children’s train in Galaxyland, I’ll interrupt the pedophilic preteen fashion show for a small speech. “Ladies and gentlemen,” I’ll scream. “You are now free from the self-imposed constraints of your commercial lifestyle. You don’t need to buy happiness anymore. You are now free to seek it out for yourselves!”
Then when the last of the screaming consumerists flee the building, we blow the whole fucker up.
I’m going to like this place.

Margaret, Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret by Judy Blume

Dec. 4, 2012

Dear God, I’m in Edmonton. I’m not sure why but I think it’s nice. It was hard to leave the rest of the Pre Teen Sensations (you remember the PTLs, don’t you, God?), but I have to grow up sometime. I’m older now and, well, I’m ready for the challenges of being a teenager. I still don’t know why we moved to Edmonton of all places. I guess Dad just really likes snowmobiling and yelling from his car.
I tried beer the other day, God. It was awesome. Me and my new friend Sally Pogrebinsninchuck were hanging around Winston Churchill Square (I was told he died there and they bronzed him into that statue. Is that true, God? Spooky!) and we met some nice fellows with shopping carts full of beer. Well, I did three beers and could run like the wind! I talked to a nice fellow having lunch on a bench for a while, then threw rocks at the TIX on the Square building. I didn’t hit it once but came close a few times. Then I had to go look for Sally. She was upchucking onto a metal grate, and then I said, “Isn’t that a great grate?” Then she threw up some more. I don’t think she got my play on words.
Anyway, God, that’s my first introduction to Edmonton in a nutshell. Thank you for making me safe. For my next birthday, Dad said he’s going to get me a knife. I don’t know why, but he said his new friends at work told him I may need it someday. One more question, God: what the crap is an Oiler?

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